asteroid B612

Last Saturday we went to New Jersey to hang out with some friends who were up here in exile. They are supposed to return to their French Quarter apartment in New Orleans today. Hoping all goes well for them. They took us to a lovely park along the Delaware River, a former lookout point protecting the river during the War for Independence. On the other side of the river, we could see I-95 heading towards the airport over to the left, and towards Philadelphia, who skyline we could just see on the right. It was a lovely, cool day. We grilled hamburgers, and Ellis ate his fingers. I noted to myself that Canada geese flew overhead, not pelicans.

Maybe I should've posted this yesterday, but I was too busy, zipping off to Lancaster to visit my family for the rest of the afternoon.

In her comments yesterday, my mom ponders I just wonder is it easier to never have heard, than to hear and lose it?.

Beethoven had hearing. He was an accomplished musician at an early age, playing the piano deftly. As a young man, he began to lose his hearing. He wrote the following in 1802, when he was 32 years old. It is now known as the "Heiligenstadt Testament." In it he reflects to his brothers on his hearing, mourning and tormented by its loss. (I've highlighted certain portions in bold.) A year later, he wrote his Third Symphony, "Eroica" and five years later, Symphony No. 5. Legend has it (and I don't have the time or resources to double check at the moment; it's a nice story, at any rate) at the performance of his last symphony, the Ninth (you know, 'ode to joy'), he couldn't hear the applause and a member of the orchestra had to turn him around to see the exuberance of the audience. If he had lived now, there probably would've been help for him, but one can only imagine the great music playing inside that man's head.

Heiligenstadt Testament

For my brothers Carl and [Johann] Beethoven

Oh you men who think or say that I am malevolent, stubborn, or misanthropic, how greatly do you wrong me. You do not know the secret cause which makes me seem that way to you. From childhood on, me heart and soul have been full of the tender feeling of goodwill, and I was ever inclined to accomplish great things. But, think that for six years now I have been hopelessly afflicted, made worse by senseless physicians, from year to year deceived with hopes of improvement, finally compelled to face the prospect of a lasting malady (whose cure will take years or, perhaps, be impossible). Though born with a fiery, active temperament, even susceptible to the diversions of society, I was soon compelled to withdraw myself, to live life alone. If at times I tried to forget all this, oh how harshly I was I flung back by the doubly sad experience of my bad hearing. Yet it was impossible for me to say to people, "Speak louder, shout, for I am deaf." Ah, how could I possibly admit an infirmity in the one sense which ought to be more perfect in me than others, a sense which I once possessed in the highest perfection, a perfection such as few in my profession enjoy or ever have enjoyed.--Oh I cannot do it; therefore forgive me when you see me draw back when I would have gladly mingled with you. My misfortune is doubly painful to me because I am bound to be misunderstood; for me there can be no relaxation with my fellow men, no refined conversations, no mutual exchange of ideas. I must live almost alone, like one who has been banished;

Last spring, Chris and I were walking around the park in New Orleans, getting a bit of exercise and fresh air to our brains cobwebbed by books and study. I looked up and moving around behind a fence were several giraffes. We walked over and watched them for awhile. I love watching giraffes. The way they move is like ballet with their long, graceful limbs in carefully controlled movements.

The park we were in was Audubon Park. It is very large, hosting a 2 mile track around a golf course, soccer fields by the river, and the Audubon Zoo, which is the lovliest zoo I've ever been to. One walks through various habitats as if walking into another part of the world, spotting exotic animals nestled in their familiar vegetation.

After the hurricane hit, I wondered what happened to the zoo, but never at convenient times. So, I'm thinking about it now. Apparently, the zoo and its inhabitants are fine. An alligator was missing, a pair of otters died, and, other than traumatized animals, that is about it. However, the aquarium, also a dazzling place, suffered a huge loss of life when power supply failed. Most of their fish died, and some animals are now housed at the zoo, including the white alligator.

A little while ago, academic blogger Laura suggested that bloggers write about their kids with disabilities, in hopes of raising awareness. I'm interested in reading what others have to say, since most of the first-hand accounts that I've come across on the internet are the sort of emotionally hysterical, made for TV movie kind of stuff, which not exactly reflective or helpful. Check back on 11D for links if you want to read more. I've been meaning to sit down and work through some of my thoughts, and this provides me a good opportunity to do so. This post isn't scientific or political, rather personal.

Ellis is only three months old, so in a sense this post is more about me than him. We are only at the beginning of the journey as Ellis's parents. We've received the diagnosis of "probably moderate-to-severe" hearing loss only weeks ago. From the beginning, I feel calm about it. But since we've had the tests and I've begun to read, I'm more confused.

First, I'm not really sure what his diagnosis is. The most recent test was tracking the brainwaves' responses to very frequencies, through the whole range of pitches, and there was no response at any level. So, I know his diagnosis is "no response." What I heard the audiologist say was, "wait and see before we can determine what the level of hearing loss is." Chris seems to remember him saying "probably moderate to severe" (on a scale from light to moderate to severe to profound). I can't imagine a "no response" resulting in only minimal hearing loss, so it's probably more. "Moderate to severe" sounds safe, like something we can work with or bad, but not the worst. I just hope there's some residual hearing.

Google is a wonderful invention. Vast amounts of information available; just enter and click. In order to sort out some of my confusion, I've googled and googled. (Don't you love how google is a noun and a verb?) I've learned a little more about hearing loss, the nature of the testing, and what's available out there to help him, but we've only barely touched the tip of what there is to know.

The most unnerving thing out there is reading other people's stories. They are always so black-and-white. They have a definitive diagnosis; a mother goes into the next room and sobs; and the child is fitted for hearing aids right then and there. I end up second-guessing our situation. Should we have a clearer diagnosis? Should Ellis have hearing aids now? Should we be doing more? Is the sit-back-and-wait advice from the audiologist okay? Should I feel more sad?

Next week a team from the Early Intervention program in our county is coming to the house to evaluate Ellis for the first time. I've been hanging on to waiting for that. I hope they'll give me all the answers to the questions I don't know how to ask. (I'm just glad we have some resources to choose from. Imagine if we were still living in New Orleans! aack!)

Emotionally, I've been calm about it all. Sure, sometimes I'm disappointed because I wonder if he'll be able to hear this or that thing, especially since music is my life. (And don't give me the 'Beethoven was deaf' line, because he wasn't born deaf. He had to hear the notes first before he could hear them in his head.) Over the month since his last test, I've gone from saying that he has hearing loss to admitting that he is deaf. They feel a lot different. And maybe hearing loss is more medically correct. Announcing to someone that our son is deaf just feels more final. This admission has probably been the biggest step for me. Chris is proud of Ellis's deafness and has embraced it from the beginning, whereas I think I secretly hope it will go away. It isn't something to be scared of, and Chris's attitude has helped me.

I don't like it when other people around us offer well-meaning comments. People offer stories about so-and-so's child who was given a bleak health diagnosis concerning this or that, and then in a year it had just resolved itself. While it's nice to know that it can happen, and it has for some people, that doesn't mean that it will happen for Ellis. God has created him to the child He wants him to be, and if that is deaf, then I will embrace it, and if later He decides to change that, while I will embrace it then, but not now. Most people around us, though, are very supportive. The old ladies at church are especially kind, persisting to get me into contact with another person who has a deaf child or sibling, offering encouragement and prayers.

Most of the time I kind of tend to forget about it. My googling comes in spurts, but usually we're just going about our day. I talk to him and sing to him. When he catches my eyes and I start smiling and talking to him, he always lights up and starts cooing back. Does he hear me? The other day when I was babbling to him, I kept my lips moving but stopped making sound. It didn't make a difference in his response. He was stilling giggling and cooing, which is so cute!

I still don't see him responding to sounds as he should. No startling. He should be turning his head towards sounds about now, and that's not happening. No distraction while he's nursing. No stopping in response to sound.

There are some positive things. The first is that we never have to worry about waking the sleeping baby with noise. We can watch a movie in the same room, talk in normal voices, drop loud things, blow dry my hair; it's great! When I'm at someone's house, I don't have to go find him a quiet corner to nap, just plop him down on a blanket in the middle of where we all are. The second is that he is our first kid, so we don't have to worry about the emotional well-being of older kids as they adjust to all the attention we'll be having to give Ellis in these early years, and I imagine it will be easier to add child(ren?) to Ellis rather than him to them.

I really don't have anything knowledgeable to offer at this point. I am at the beginning. I only have questions. I don't know how Ellis will grow up yet. Right now I'm enjoying this time we have when his needs are so basic, because soon, soon, soon, our lives will change so much more. So I just offer my hodge-podged thoughts for the moment, and that's all I have time for, because now he's waking up.

Ellis turned 3 months last Ides, since I'm not writing anything down anywhere else, I just wanted to jot a few things down for myself, so that I don't forget.

Ellis has definitely gotten more interactive this month. It's so much fun! He's also keenly aware of the world around him, and he's strong.

* One of the things he enjoys is pushing off with legs while on our lap. We hold him and he stands on our legs, enjoying the view.
* Hands down his favorite thing in the world is his Winnie-the-Pooh mobile that hangs over the changing table attachment of the pack'n'play, which is his bed. No matter what mood he is in (except for frantically hungry), he'll almost always have a smile for his buddies, Pooh, Piglet, and Eeyore. He grins at them and coos and babbles at them. (watch the movie!)

* This month he's found his found his voice. His favorite sounds are "coo", "goo", "agoo", "ooo", "gee", "uhgee", "oooh", "ih", etc. (I hope this is a good sign for later speech development.)

* He rolled over from his tummy to his back.

* He likes to suck his right thumb.

* He sleeps through the night.

* With daddy going back to school, we've found sort of a routine. He has a long nap in the morning, during which I'm at the computer frantically trying to work. There's a shorter version of this after lunch. We try to take a daily walk in the park next to Chris's school before we pick him up. Ellis is okay in the stroller but prefers to face out ing the bjorn so that he can look out and see everything.

* He looks and looks and looks. He stares at patterns, the ceiling fan, leaves on trees, your face (his favorite), his toys. He's taking it all in. He likes to sit on our laps watching everything.

* Since he likes his mobile so much, I wish I had gotten one of those baby gym things where the toys hang down. I just wanted to minimize Stuff, but there's nothing like seeing what makes your kid excited to make you want to give it to him. I mentioned how I wished I had found one while standing around the church nursery. One mother mentioned having recently seen their's forgotten behind the couch, now long after her youngest has used it. She pulled it out and gave it to me. Yay! Ellis does like it, but not as much as his mobile. I think he'll like it more as he gets used to it.

* He's officially in 3-6 months size. I'm glad that he's to size so far, and I hope it sticks, because I've acquired a few things for the future. His pajamas went into the wash fitting him and came out of the wash not fitting him. They didn't shrink. He is growing so fast! It's hard to think that this wiggly 12+ lb boy was a tiny little 6 lb baby all curled up in my arms such a short time ago.

My thoughts. They're swirling and curling. Now they're starting to keep me up at night. Insomnia is becoming more and more frequent. Struggling to go to sleep. Slipping in and out of sleep. Finally relief when Ellis wakes up, providing me an activity, a reason to be awake. Even if it's just to watch him roll-over and to set up right again, then to watch him fall back asleep.

Sleep is so precious, yet it is now also sacrificed. Everyone sleeps but me. Lately I've been feeling slowly drained and emptied. I'm tired. Looking into my baby's trusting eyes, I gladly give up a good night's sleep, an evening's relaxation, a day's work for him. But even he's asleep. It's my stupid thoughts that are keeping me up. At the end of the day, I've poured myself empty. Do I have to empty myself into the night, too? This has been such an exhausting year.

This recipe on epicurious.com caught my eye. It looks good; I'll have to try it soon. One reviewer subsituted vegetable broth for chicken (good recipe to have when you invite your vegetarian friends over). Another reviewer added carrots, another chicken. Seems flexible. I love flexible recipes. It also looks like a good one for the repertoire, because I'm always trying to find ways of not having meat every night. It gets expensive, and, you know, you don't have to have meat every day.

CHICKPEA STEW
The cumin really enhances this dish. Cook this spice with the onions to bring out its aroma. Lemon juice brightens the flavors while honey softens them.

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup diced (1/4 inch) red onion
2 tablespoons finely minced garlic
1 teaspoon ground cumin
2 cans (15 ounces each) chickpeas
(garbanzo beans), rinsed and drained
1 can (14 ounces) Italian plum tomatoes, chopped, with their juices
4 sprigs fresh thyme or 1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon honey
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1 can (14 ounces) chicken broth
Salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
1/2 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley
Cooked couscous for serving (optional)

1. Place the olive oil in a heavy saucepan over medium-low heat. Add the onion; stirring occasionally, cook until wilted, about 12 minutes. Add the garlic during the last 2 minutes. Stir in the cumin and cook 2 minutes more to mellow the flavors.

2. Add the chickpeas, the tomatoes with their juices, thyme, honey, lemon juice, broth, salt, and pepper. Bring to a boil, skimming off any foam that rises to the surface. Reduce the heat and simmer, uncovered, for 15 to 20 minutes. Adjust the seasonings and stir in the parsley.

3. To serve, spoon couscous (if desired) into 4 shallow bowls and top with the stew. Serve immediately. Per serving (without couscous): 460 calories, 67g carbohydrates, 22g protein, 12g fat, no cholesterol.
Nutritional Breakdown: New Wellness, Richmond, Va.

Makes 4 servings.
Simply Delicious® by Sheila Lukins
PARADE®
October 2002

PARADE® and Simply Delicious® are used by CondéNet Inc. under license.

(i liked this reviewer's suggestion.)
Heather from New York, NY on 03/24/04
Based on other reviews I added more spices: doubled the cumin and thyme and added cinnamon, ground corriander, chili powder, and dashes of nutmeg and allspice. I also served it over quinoa which was a nice contrast and something completely different.

what's quinoa?

This bit of satirical reporting made its way to my inbox this afternoon. Had to share. I'm still chuckling:

President Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French

(Photo)President Bush and a giddy Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal.

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.

"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.

"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."

The money gained from 'T'he Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.

Wonder how the rest of the country is feeling now that they're getting to know Louisiana a little better. I'm telling you, guys, it's the wackiest place I've ever lived, but I really loved it.

I feel like I should defend that the blankets he is on aren't as fluffy as they look in the picture. He's sort of pulled up the edge.

Blah. I have my first cold as a mom. I'm miserable. So far Ellis seems fine. We've had a snuggly day.

My former roomie Grace came to visit me this weekend. Hence the blog hiatus. We had a great time, but it felt faster than her other visits.

Ellis turned 3 months five days ago. I feel like I should say something. Maybe I still will. The big thing, though, is that he is rolling over. It's so cute. Except when he wakes himself up doing it. Well, it still is cute. I stood over his bed at 4.30 am last night. I couldn't bear picking him up even though he was fussing, because he was almost there, and ta-da he did it! The look on his face. Ha! like what just happened? and why can I see you now?

He's been kind of fussy lately...not sleeping well, drooling buckets, and nursing lots. Sound like teething to you? But he's only 3 months!! I haven't seen any sign of teeth, but my motto with this child from the day he decided to be born (4 weeks early) is "expect the unexpected".

*sniffle, sneeze* I'm going back to bed.

...because I still don't have a topic.

But I managed to find the article I was looking for (I knew it had to be in the house somewhere). Because of the move everything keeps getting shifted around, so I can't find anything. And my being a good student really depends a whole lot on environment. (I.e. I have to have my space just so.) At this point, I don't know where anything is, I don't have a library, my advisor is 1200 miles away. I'm lost! Grrr. (I am trying to finish my stupid incomplete, though, with a paper that isn't stupid.) I still have no clue on how to find a topic.

On Monday Ellis and I went to Princeton to visit my friend who goes there. We're interested in the roughly the same time period. We chatted a lot about 15th c stuff, and it felt good to stretch those muscles. She's a bit further along the diss process (i.e. she has a topic and a few chapters outlined). We talked about a couple of ideas for my diss. It's just nice to have another grad student to talk to.

I'm sort of torn. I don't really know what the diss is supposed to be. Is this going to be my "area" that I'm labelled with? I have a topic that I'm interested in pursuing but not sure if I want to commit to that whole area. Or should I pick a topic that my coursework has best prepared me for? I could do an edition or something with Latin. Another topic that I'm interested in leaves me needing to do a whole lot of background work just to be functional (like learning old french, ugh, and maybe dutch, please, no!) and I don't have a lot of time due to draconian time limits set by the graduate school. One topic seems cool another practical. What do I do? All seems impossible until I can get some borrowing privileges at a library.

and...to further update my hidden life as grad student...I'm getting grad student stuff together for the upcoming national meeting of my professional organization. I'm doing a lot more than I had originally planned, because I found out that important things had not been done. Well, it's a good way to meet people. I'll be taking Ellis to said conference. That should be interesting. Not quite sure how it's going to work.