asteroid B612

Today I got a haircut, a seemingly mundane task, but a larger undertaking for me. In fact, it really was a group effort. In order to get a pretty decent haircut for a fabulously affordable price, I usually go to this Aveda Institute in the city. I've always had a great experience. Today, I'll say, my haircut isn't necessarily bad, but it was a lacklustre experience.

First, my mom came to go with me. We drove into the city, found street parking, fed the meter (allowing over an hour!), and went in. Marlowe seemed pretty happy. So I told the girl what I want, and we proceeded. M started screaming. I took a quick break to nurse him, and then hopped back on my stool. And hte girl was like "so is this pretty much how you want it?" She had cut about a millimeter off of my rag mop. My specific instructions were I want it super short, close to my head. And so the haircut went, my repeating what I wanted over and over and over and over again. Even pointing out people walking through the room whose hair I wanted. It took over an HOUR for her to cut my stinkin' hair. I have short hair. I have easy hair. I wanted an easy haircut. So I was pretty annoyed that I got an okay haircut after much discussion. But, whatever, you get what you pay for.

This extraordinarily long haircut meant that I was extraordinarily late getting home to meet Ellis coming home from school. Thankfully, work at home daddy didn't mind, and E was obliging, so he didn't lose too much work time, either.

When we pulled up, I popped E into the car and we went to IKEA, where we spent somewhere between 2-3 hours. I got an Antilop for Marlowe. He's so cute.

I have a headache. Just watched the season premiere of House, which is currently my favorite show.

So that was my day.

so, like, these jeans I put on this morning...

THEY'RE NOT MATERNITY!!!!!!

I so needed that today, even if they are my biggest jeans.

It's been a hard past week.

Developmental insomnia on the part of the 3yo. Non-stop nursing growathon for the 3mo. Equals NO SLEEP 'TIL BROOKLYN! "Tired" doesn't really begin to describe. "Utterly defeated" is close.

Add in too much city driving with vocally unamused children.
A disappointing trip to Lancaster.
A intensely crazy drive home in "hurricane" hanna. Pretty much the worst rain driving I've ever done. Thankfully the kids obliged by sleeping (go figure). And Feist kept me calm.
And Hurricane Messy-Car visited today.
Oh yea, and don't forget the lovely hormonal cocktail called I Just Had a Baby.

I'm really praying for a better week. Or heaven. I'll take either.

One of my many mom attributes is that I carry snacks around in my bag, usually just pretzels or goldfish. This was exaggerated a little bit when I was pregnant; I carried meals, add in a couple peanut butter sandwiches and some apples. At the end of my pregnancy, I started to run out of energy to maintain the level of the larder in my purse. So on Thursdays when we went into the city for speech therapy, we ended up going to the McDonalds at the hospital, um, a lot. They have big windows to entertain my little boy with city buses, taxis, ambulances, and trucks. And it was much more navigable than the cafeteria, which is desirable when you're huge.

We hadn't been back since I had the baby, but we went this Thursday before speech. Folks, the cash register lady recognized me! "Oh, you had your baby! He is so cute! *cooing* say hello to Miss Pam!" I'm not kidding. I didn't know whether to be pleased or embarrassed.

Lilian wrote about a book that is exactly what I have been looking for for years: Mama, Ph.D: Women Write About Motherhood and Academic Life (Rutgers University Press 2008), edited by Elrena Evans and Caroline Grant. (A university press, no less!)

The book also has a website:

Mama, Ph.D. is a literary anthology of deeply-felt personal narratives by women both in and out of the academy, writing about their experiences attempting to reconcile bodies with brains. This anthology voices stories of academic women choosing to have, not have, or delay children. The essays in this anthology will speak to and offer support for any woman attempting to combine work and family, and will make recommendations on how to make the academy a more family-friendly workplace.

And a blog on the Inside Higher Ed website!!!!

When I started grad school six years ago these kinds of conversations seemed to be happening in hushed tones on the few blogs that were out there. I sought out women to hear their stories of how they made it work. And all the while, isn't it ridiculous that having a family and a profession is such a big deal that it even requires a conversation? Academia used to be for the old men who did little else. Now it's for "real people." Which is exciting. Having a variety of people in academics will lead to a greater variety of scholarship. Where I see myself in all that in the future? I have no idea. One year at a time.

p.s. Lilian's post is pretty good, too!

I reluctantly began potty training school today. Yep, full force. Reluctant, because I think E has shown enough readiness signs, but it'll take mountains of M&Ms to motivate him. He's sort of the type that's hard to move until he makes up his mind to do so. Just ask his speech therapist. This personality trait can be wielded for great things, but it exasperates a mama whose sick of putting gigantic diapers on this child's bum.

It's almost 2.30 pm. We're on our fourth pair of cotton training pants. Totally expected that. He actually did go once in the potty.

Morale is lagging a bit. It's gotta happen one way or another.

We went to the park this morning, and the breeze was nice. I was worried that today would be really hot, but it wasn't too bad. I met another mom from a local babywearing yahoo group. It's impossible to meetup with these people because it's kind of new and disorganized. So I was glad one other mom came. As a result I was showing her my Beco and demonstrating with Ellis, who was kind of in a clingy mood and enjoyed hopping up in the carrier.

When I got home, the didymos wrap that I bought from someone was sitting on the doorstep just delivered by the mailman.* Yay! Since Marlowe and I are such fans of the wrap, I went ahead a real wrap, though the gauze was working pretty well. I wanted something a little more long term and designed to be weight-bearing. And already I think it provides better support for M. So anyway, I was super excited about the didymos, but Marlowe was sleeping. So I threw Ellis up on my back. And he's super snuggly and totally loved it.

Later Marlowe was crying, so I reached for my new wrap and proceeded to begin to tie him up to my front. Ellis walked over to me with the hugest tear in his eye, kind of sniffling and gasping like he was fighting back a deluge. I think he thought the wrap was for him. So sad!! So I walked back out to the car and showed him the Beco, and said this one is yours. He seemed happy with that. Especially after I put him in it. My high-touch kid loves to be worn--no matter that he's a 35lb three year old.

Well, after that, here I am stuck with two kids on me. So we walked up to the train station and watched a train come in and go out. And walked home. I got of lot "freak" looks. whatever. That seemed to satisfy Ellis's need for love.

I thought, by that point, a second coffee milkshake was in order.

*Piece of trivia. Both babywearing items pictured on my person bearing my children at one point belonged to kristen, who helped me take the plunge.

I guess I'm officially over childbirth. I had my postpartum checkup with the midwife on Monday, and everything checked up fine. I still feel a little tenderness where my artery tore, but it's all healed fine. The midwife I saw this time was one I hadn't met before--she said she used to be full time, but now just helps out for office hours in the summer. I really, really liked her. I wish she could be my midwife forever. Oh well. I chatted a long time with her about the next phase of things, being Not Pregnant.

I kind of felt a little nostalgic as I drove out to the birth center again. It had been seven weeks, and summer had set in where i left off in spring. i have no other reason to go to that part of town other than to go to the birth center, so I hadn't been in that direction since then. I thought of the trips out there in the winter, watching spring come through increasingly frequent appointments. Remembering the sweet scent of something flowering while I paced outside during early labor.

Except for the end when I would leave Still Pregnant, I found the appointments satisfying; usually very quick, but I was very much part of the system and not left to the mercies of it. I wasn't abandoned in waiting rooms to do my homework waiting for an OB who was off in surgery somewhere. It felt more like a little visit with the midwife. And I'll miss our little visits in a way, I guess. Though I certainly don't miss being pregnant. um, no.

Okay, mother of two signing off now.

I keep trying to blog. I've started countless entries that are quickly abandoned in favor of a child who needs me or a brain that is checked out. More time passes and the gap gets bigger. It's really too late now, but here I am anyway. Something to mark my spot.

We got a new car last week. This is HUGE for us. It's a fairly young Honda Civic. Reliable, long-lasting. I get in, I press in the clutch, start the car, turn on the AC, and off we go. Such a simple luxury! We have downsized and while I miss the space of the minivan, I do a little happy dance at the gas pump. It'll work for awhile. We just can't take any passengers who aren't willing to do butt compression to sit between the two carseats hogging the backseat. And I've learned how to seriously minimize baby gear--mostly through babywearing (I don't need to haul around a "travel system" in my trunk).

We realized through this process, that *duh* neither of us has made a huge purchase requiring financing before--besides our college educations, that is. Partly, because we really haven't had the capital (we barely do now), and partly because we tend to be content and resourceful. We find a spot and make it work. Sure, I'd much rather be living in my own home with *gasp* my own washer and dryer on my residential premises!! But I'm content where I am. C and I used to discourse at great length about what it means to "live well." Hint: size of house is irrelevant. Maybe some people think we're foolish, but I don't regret anything we've done so far in terms of major life choices (I won't deny mistakes, but not regrets), even if we're "setback" in terms of how society determines what is "successful". I mean, there are people out there who can READ because of my hubby. Anyway, this is turning into a ramble and maybe is too honest. It's just that buying a car this time was really big for us.

The rest of my time has been spent dealing with another round of thrush, which my purple friend, gentian violet seems to have whooped. And making sure a certain 3yo is active and outside as much as possible, so that he's not climbing all over me as an incarnation of whatever monster he fancies he is. And trying to keep track of his CI. And making a certain 7 week old coo and grin big purple grins. And trying to remember to take my vitamins, get enough rest (ha!), and not get too hungry so that Crazy Hormonal Mama can be kept at bay. And getting sucked in to Battlestar Galactica with hubby (resistance is futile--oh wait, no Daleks). And trying that Mary Poppins trick where you snap and the mess goes away (it's not working--maybe if I took more vitamins).

you know, if I don't blog it, I don't remember it. Marlowe is 5 and a half weeks. Last week, the weekend gave me rejuvenation for one day, Monday was great. This week, I got through two days before I crashed into a mess of defeatism. I knew our little nighttime sleep fairytale wouldn't last. Today was rough. But thankfully, E was tired enough from running around with his buddy J for 3 hours at the park this morning that he sat quietly and watched his movie this afternoon. I slept soundly for about an hour (without being summoned for juice or crackers or whatever else a 3yo desires). And then staggered together a yummy meal for a goodbye party for my brother who is off to Italy tomorrow for his summer study-abroad. (I left July 3, too, the last time I went to Italy in 2004.)

So each week is difficult, but gets a tiny bit better. And there are little graces that get me over the rough spots.