asteroid B612

I realized that I no longer get carded when I purchase adult beverages*. Is it the sleep deprivation? Surely not anything I've done to affect my look. Do I really look 30?

*Like I do this all the time. Not. I've just bought wine a couple of times recently for at-home dates with hubby.

I keep trying to blog. I've started countless entries that are quickly abandoned in favor of a child who needs me or a brain that is checked out. More time passes and the gap gets bigger. It's really too late now, but here I am anyway. Something to mark my spot.

We got a new car last week. This is HUGE for us. It's a fairly young Honda Civic. Reliable, long-lasting. I get in, I press in the clutch, start the car, turn on the AC, and off we go. Such a simple luxury! We have downsized and while I miss the space of the minivan, I do a little happy dance at the gas pump. It'll work for awhile. We just can't take any passengers who aren't willing to do butt compression to sit between the two carseats hogging the backseat. And I've learned how to seriously minimize baby gear--mostly through babywearing (I don't need to haul around a "travel system" in my trunk).

We realized through this process, that *duh* neither of us has made a huge purchase requiring financing before--besides our college educations, that is. Partly, because we really haven't had the capital (we barely do now), and partly because we tend to be content and resourceful. We find a spot and make it work. Sure, I'd much rather be living in my own home with *gasp* my own washer and dryer on my residential premises!! But I'm content where I am. C and I used to discourse at great length about what it means to "live well." Hint: size of house is irrelevant. Maybe some people think we're foolish, but I don't regret anything we've done so far in terms of major life choices (I won't deny mistakes, but not regrets), even if we're "setback" in terms of how society determines what is "successful". I mean, there are people out there who can READ because of my hubby. Anyway, this is turning into a ramble and maybe is too honest. It's just that buying a car this time was really big for us.

The rest of my time has been spent dealing with another round of thrush, which my purple friend, gentian violet seems to have whooped. And making sure a certain 3yo is active and outside as much as possible, so that he's not climbing all over me as an incarnation of whatever monster he fancies he is. And trying to keep track of his CI. And making a certain 7 week old coo and grin big purple grins. And trying to remember to take my vitamins, get enough rest (ha!), and not get too hungry so that Crazy Hormonal Mama can be kept at bay. And getting sucked in to Battlestar Galactica with hubby (resistance is futile--oh wait, no Daleks). And trying that Mary Poppins trick where you snap and the mess goes away (it's not working--maybe if I took more vitamins).

I don't know why I am even blogging about this, since it will likely end up in a fruitless ramble and totally uninteresting. It just rolls around in my head all the time. I'm always thinking about "when I get back into research/into a PhD program". I'm not working on anything now. Not a thing. Quiet moments I steal for sewing. It feels more productive, and it has instant gratification status. Something research doesn't have. I don't feel gratified about my thesis and the stupid thing is signed, sealed, and delivered. In fact, as I was dusting this morning, I had the thought again, "was it even any good?" Obviously I passed. And my committee members aren't the type of people who would "just be nice" and let it pass. So it couldn't have entirely stunk. But still, it's not the taste that I want left in my mouth on this hiatus from brain work. Whatever. It is what it is.

Anyway, the thesis aside, it is done after all--I do think about other things. I think that I ought to be keeping up my chops in some areas, medieval/Ren notation, Latin, languages. I should read those books that I never got to. Linger over passages I never had time for. It's more than just an "i ought to". I do want to. I miss the ol' repertoire I was starting to get familiar with, starting to make a home in. I've missed it for awhile, since it wasn't anywhere near my thesis topic. I feel like if I sit down with it, it will start coming back to me, like riding a bike. I have a very solid foundation in reading mensural notation. And I love it!

In the Christmas season, I went to hear Anonymous 4. I should've blogged about it, because it was a fantastic concert experience. Partly due to the fact that I simply cannot remember that last time I had gone to a concert. The time is measured in years, for sure. It may have been when I went to hear the Emerson Quartet in spring 2004. I'm really pathetic. But anyway, back to Anon. 4, they sang a medieval mass the parts of which they had assembled. It had a little something of everything, early polyphony, chant, tropes of varying sorts, songs. A nice showcase of 13th/14th century liturgical music. It felt really good to listen to it--and thrilling to be hearing it live--partly because I knew what was going on. Even after this break in even thinking about it, I really understood the different parts musically as I listened to them. (And I kind of felt like giving a music appreciation class to everyone around me, but I managed to restrain myself.)

Sometimes I feel annoyed. Why do I know all this stupid, esoteric stuff? What was the purpose of slaving away in grad school for 5 years? All that work is hardly making a difference in my life now. That's not to say that it won't possibly someday. It just feels annoying now.

Other than reading a little and possibly working through my facsimile, which has a great variety of 14th/15th c repertoire, I'm not sure what else I could be doing right now. There's no way I could work on an article. I do have a couple of ideas, but they would take a major investment of time and energy that I'm not prepared to give. If I do ever reapply to PhD programs, though, I don't want to have a big fat blank in these intervening years. I guess if I ever got to the point of writing a personal statement, I would've figured some of this out anyway. You can't just apply in an aimless sort of way. You have to be someone worth investing in. Whatever. I'm just not that person at this phase in my life. Especially since I'm having another baby in a few months. Yes, can you believe it!? I'm still pregnant!!

I don't want to sound dissatisfied with where I am right now, because I'm really happy to be doing what I'm doing, raising my babies. I want the freedom I have to spend hours playing cars with E. And it's hard to think of splitting my precious mental energy. It's just that, well, I am the sum of my past, I suppose. I can't just break off that bit of me I invested so much and totally shelve it. But it's there on the shelf. And sometimes I think I could be happy just leaving it there forever. I don't know. *shrug*

I'm setting myself very vague goals, because if they're vague enough, I will meet them, right?

2008 Goals:

Goal #1: Read more (that's on paper, not the internet).
Goal #2: Continue to think about exercise more.
Goal #3: Have a baby. (okay, so not a vague goal)
Goal #4: Continue to try to find the SAHM groove.
Goal #5: Get memberships to Cool Places and visit them often: Art Museum, Arboretum, Children's Museum, Zoo
Goal #6: Sew more, and, for pete's sake, start an Etsy shop already.
Goal #7: Get better at ASL
Goal #8: Love more.

that's enough, right?

So I finally signed up on Goodreads. I'm still figuring it out. From the looks of it, though, I'm apparently the last person in the world to be on there. Hopefully it will encourage me to actually finish books. I'm not used to having free reading air since I was in school for forever. I hear paper is better on the eyes, though, than an LCD screen. So I might try to renew my acquaintance with the ol' bound pulp.